Looking Within

Following the example of many others in my Blog circle, I am taking a look within. Here I am. The Good. The Bad. The Truth. The best part is at the end where I focus on the people I love!

1. I am a neat freak. Everything has a place and should be in it. I cannot stand clutter. It has taken concentrated effort to teach myself to be less obsessive about it.

2. I believe in God.

3. I listen to country music. Pretty much all of it. The new stuff. The really old stuff. The hokey stuff. All of it.

4. I believe I am a good Mom. I think it is the thing I have done best in this life. I know it is the thing that has given me the most Joy.

5. I love two year olds and teenagers. The years that most moms say are the hardest were a delightful, if challenging, romp. I am a champion of children of all ages.

6. I am a fan of the National Parks. If you want to appreciate the beauty and diversity of this grand old country of ours, visit them.

7. I always worry about money. I worry when I don't have it. I worry when I do have it. I don't know why I do it, I just do.

8. I do not have a closet full of shoes. My favorite footwear is none. Creaky bones in my feet have made it necessary to wear shoes 90% of the time. I think it's rude.

9. I love to tell a story. When I'm out and about I'm on the lookout for something funny, touching or odd. When things go wrong I comfort myself with knowing that I will have a good story to tell out of it!

10. Books. Every house should have tons of them. And they should be read. Touched. Smelled. Discussed. Books are definitely a good thing.

12. I dislike excercise. It does not make me feel energized or uplifted. It just makes me tired.

13. Often, what I know I should do and what I do are different things. The more I know I should do something, the less I want to do it. The harder I am pushed, the slower I will go. I am more motivated by a checklist of items... I will sometimes make a list AFTER I get things done, just so I can check them off.

14. I have a rotten memory. If I forget your name, or forget that you already told me that, please forgive me. It is not that I do not care or do not listen. I just have a retention problem.

15. I am afraid of flying. Seriously. Tears. Sweats. Nausea. I refuse to let fear keep me from going to the places I want to go.

16. I really like fast food and junk food. I eat way less of them than I want to so that I will be healthy and weigh less... Okay, I love it when that happens. Way less. Weigh less. Words are magical

17. I enjoy games. Card games. Board games. Computer games. I play a killer game of scrabble: my friends and family refuse to play it with me anymore. I play online with people from all over the world. I also enjoy TV and jigsaw puzzles and other mindless wastes of time.

18. I like to write. I like the challenge of taking random words and filling a blank page with organized thoughts.

19. I am not a big pet fan. Dogs know this. They bite me.

20. I am not a multi-tasker. I want to do one thing until it is done. Then do the next thing. Interruptions are a struggle for me. I get cranky when I'm doing something and somebody needs me to stop and do something else in the middle. I've had to work on that and am better about it now than I was, but still not good.

21. I've always wished I could have a beautiful singing voice.

22.I don't wear make-up and I'm not overly concerned with how my hair looks. I don't use a hair dryer, a curling iron or a flat iron. I do, however, dye my hair. I can handle an "unpainted canvas" but I can't take the Grey Frame!

23. After having open heart surgery, I worry every time I get a tiny cough or a smidge of heartburn. It's an emotional response not a logical one.

24. I think most parents use plenty of love in raising their children but not enough logic. If a child throws a tantrum and mom gives in, the child learns that it works and will use the same trick next time. If mom lets the child know that a tantrum is an automatic NO, and then backs up the words, the child learns to use a calmer approach. Logical, right?

25. If I had it to do over, I would spend less time cleaning up after my children, and more time rocking them. But I have no real regrets. Life's experiences form who we are today. Give away the experience and you give away a piece of yourself.

26. I think people use the words "love" and "hate" too often. I am guilty of both. I'm trying to avoid that in this post. It's harder than you think.

27. Money cannot buy happiness. Happiness comes from attitude. But money can sure buy a lot of fun.

28. Promises are meant to be kept. They should not be made lightly.

29. I like to give advice. I think, generally, that the advice I give is sound, logical and helpful. Maybe I am fooling myself.

30. I am a poor sleeper. I toss and turn and wake up multiple times a night. I move from bed to couch to bed. Yet when the alarm goes off I hit the "snooze" button repeatedly and put off getting up until the last possible minute.

31. I appreciate a well-decorated home. I lack that talent so my house is a blank canvas. You might say it lacks warmth. I say it lacks decoration. The warmth is in the people who live here.

32. I talk. A lot.

33. Fresh raspberries are divine. Especially dipped in chocolate.

34. I hate my chins. All of them.

35. Mountains make me smile.

36. I talk a whole lot tougher than I really am. Maybe if I talk a tough game, people won't see how insecure I really am. Writing this down makes me feel very vulnerable.

37. I am embarassed by how poorly I handled my divorce. I collapsed emotionally and failed to support my children through one of life's hardest blows. I am very proud of how my children stood with strength and dignity while mom fell apart. They held me up while others beat me down. I still carry a lot of anger at the way I was treated during this time. Though I feel it is justifiable, overcoming this anger will probably be my greatest life's challenge.

38. I like to pretend that I really don't care what other people think of me. But I do.

39. I enjoy gambling as entertainment. The key is to have an entertainment budget and stick to it.

40. It makes me happy when my husband plays his guitars. Especially the accoustic. It makes our house feel "right" somehow.

41. I believe that all churches have truth and goodness in them. I believe that God has given his multitudes of children many religions to choose from because He knows how different we all are and that we cannot all walk the same path back to Him. I feel that many people live their religions so 'narrowly' that they miss the big picture, focusing too much on the letter of the law and not enough on love, faith and charity. I cannot say that I Know any one church is true. But I can say that I whole-heartedly believe that there is a God who knows ME and will accept my efforts at being a good, decent person as "enough".

42. A house without children is very quiet. I miss the sounds of life that once filled our home. I can't think of anything more happy-making than when the daughters (all 5 of them) come home and bring all that life with them.

43. Nausea is the very worst part of recovering from surgery. Anesthesia makes me sick. The rest of the recovery is relatively easy, though it's not fun. I have a low pain threshold.

44. I should have listened to my parents and gone to college.

45. Braces are worth it.

46. I believe our spirits live on after death. But I am afraid of dying.

47. I think sewing is of the devil. Therefore, a finished sewing project is particularly satisfying. I keep it simple then relish the sense of accomplishment that comes with conquering that particular beast.

48. I don't wait well. Long lines. Slow clerks. Glitchy computer connections. Tardiness. These things aggravate me.

49. People should not be judged by thier appearance. I absolutely believe this. It is somtimes a harder thing to practice than to believe.

50. I can't wait to be a Grandma.

The greatest Joy in my life is the people in it. Here they are:

1. Steve. My sweetheart, my friend, my rock, my companion, my husband. He is gently strong. Quietly outspoken. He is laid-back but not lazy. Focused but not obsessive. He always puts others before himself. He sees me honestly, with my strengths AND my flaws, and loves me for both. I trust him with my life, but more importantly, I trust him with my heart and soul.

2. I admire my daughter Stephanie for her amazing attitude towards life. I've never had to remind her to "stop and smell the roses" though I've sometimes told her "it's time to stop smelling the roses now baby". That concept didn't take. She figured out that if she put the rose in her hair, she could do what was required and still smell the rose. She works hard, serves often, gives generously and lives JOY.

3. My Katie has more integrity than any other person I've ever known. She deals with people honestly, but more importantly, she deals honestly with herself. This is a gift that I feel is sorely lacking in the world today, but my daughter embodies it. I admire her desire to seek truth in all things. Because she lives with such integrity, she is sometimes too hard on herself. I wish she could look in the mirror and see the amazing woman that I see when I look at her. She is loyal, intelligent, forgiving and when she listens, she hears.

4. My son in law is my son. Mike is his own man, and a product of his wonderful parents, but he fits in our family so perfectly that it seems like he has always been ours. He sets goals then reaches out for them until he has them in his hands. No sooner does he grab on to that achieved goal, than he sets it down and starts working on the next one. He is fiercely competitive and very intelligent so he's usually the winner at game night. (except phase 10, Steph OWNS that)

5. Step-daughters are a gift. I have three. They have been unfailingly kind and welcoming to me. Brooke is motivated, focused... and so much fun. Emily is gentle, nurturing and possessed of a tender heart. Jamie is loyal, straightforward and tough on the outide whilst being a cupcake in the middle. None of them need me to be a mom to them but all have allowed me to be a friend and, for this, I am grateful.

6. My parents. I get all misty eyed just writing that much. I love my mom and dad. They are not flashy parents. They are not the kind of whom books are written. They are steady, strong, loving and good. They are of the generation that seldom speak of their pride in their family. It is there. I see it in their eyes. They also rarely speak of their trials or hurts. They bear them quietly and stoicly. They have taught me to be independant and strong but have often carried me when I could not carry myself. I feel fiercely protective of them. Mess with me and I will live through it. Mess with my mom and dad, and NOW there's gonna be trouble.

7. I grew up fighting with my big brother, Steve. He is now one of my best friends and one of the finest men I know. He is generous always, fiercely loyal and always speaks the truth. Opinioniated? You could say that, yes. But you always know that he is telling you exactly what he believes. He married the perfect woman. Well, not Perfect perfect, but perfect for him and for our family. She is Gentle Tough. She speaks softly but means what she says. And fun. It's always fun to be with Barb, with or without shoelaces... (inside story, no time for that here)

8. Eddie is a quiet man. I rarely know what he's thinking. And yet, I always feel that he's got my back. He lives the life he wants instead of the life people expect from him, which shows a strength most of us lack. All the nieces and nephews love Uncle Eddie - it is with them that he cuts loose a little and the fun comes out.

9. Barbara is my sister-friend. Sisters by birth, friends by choice. If ever I need a stalwart defender, it is she I will go to. She is strong. She has dealt with much trial in her life, including the death of her son, our beloved Matty. I admire the grace and dignity with which she has faced these things in her life. She tends to get flustered easily by the small things but when the stakes are big, and hard, no one deals it with it more steadily and graciously than she. Her husband, Brian, brings a great sense of fun to our family. He is a great match for my sister - he has an inate sense of when to push and when to stop.

10. My baby sister Lisa has struggled to find her place in this world. She, too, has dealt with some tough blows and thus far has allowed them to cripple her. She is very strong-minded and shows more determination than I've ever seen in anybody. When she learns to channel that determination in to good things, she will do great things.

11. Nieces and nephews! They rock. I love them each and every one. They each bring unique gifts and talents to the table. I won't name them one by one, but they know that they are individually dearly, dearly loved by me.

12. Busia. My grandmother. 93 and still sharp, funny and strong. She raised five amazing daughters - by herself. I admire and love her. I have a great heritage in her and in my dad's parents, who are both gone. They have left me with many warm and cherished memories.

13. A lot of folks say they barely know their cousins or aunts and uncles. YIKES! I have a lot of them and though I don't see any of them often, being with them is like going home. Comfortable and secure.

14. I have been blessed with wonderful friends. Too many of them to name. But to Kathy, Kandra, Laurie and Irma I give special mention. These incredible women have each taught me, lifted me and inspired me.

15. Finally, my life has been touched by the many friends my children have brought through our home over the years. From them, much love has been recieved, and to them, much love is given